Here’s my resume!


I’ve held a slew of strange job titles throughout my life. Unfortunately, your resume is supposed to mainly feature related experience, which makes sense, but I would argue that my unrelated experience has had just as much, if not more, of an impact on my life. These jobs have helped to shape me as a person, so I would like to take this time to quickly mention them as well.


  • Motivational JV Basketball Coach Who Yelled Things Like: “You got this!” “I’ll buy you guys pizza if you run instead of walk this game!” and “That’s the wrong hoop, Tina, but love where your head is at!”

  • Archery Instructor Even Though My Only Existing Knowledge of Archery Was Seeing Hunger Games And It Did Not Translate, As Exhibited By Several Broken Windows

  • Non Lifeguard-Certified Swim Teacher Who Was Regularly Asked If Tommy Would Ever Be Able To Take Off His Swimmies. Answer Was No.

  • Children’s Birthday Party Entertainer Who Would Ask Child What They Wanted Painted On Their Face, Would Be Told, “Spiderman,” And Would Respond, “Did You Say A Smiley Face? Because That Sounds Very Doable.”

  • Substitute Teacher Who Fell For The Classic, “Mrs. Robinson Always Lets Us Order Pizza Directly To The Classroom”

  • Instructor At “Learn To Ride” Program, Where I Taught Kids How To Ride Bikes While Their Parents Who Should’ve Taught Them How To Ride Bikes Sat On Benches Perusing Facebook